The Blog Post With No Title

Thoughts become things.  Words have power.  And so I could not decide on a title for this particular post because everything that came to mind was not very positive.

It's been awhile since I posted.  This is because I have been in a dark space emotionally.  And this dark space has pulled me down physically as well.

Things have been quite stressful for me lately with, among other things, my husband working way too many hours, my mother-in-law living with us.  And especially with the news that she wants to stay here permanently (when all I have been doing is counting down the days until she goes home!).  It appears that my mother-in-law's decision to live here was the proverbial straw that broke the (Kelly) camel's back.  I have been devastated.  Hopeless.  And recently began sinking into depression.

Despite the many stresses I have been dealing with, I have been so proud of the fact that I have not turned to food for solace.  That all ended on Friday, July 15th.  I was so frustrated and angry that I ate 1/2 a DiGorno Pizza for dinner.  And I didn't even enjoy it!

Then came Saturday.  I ran out of the house and went to Jack In The Box.  Halfway through my meal, I was stuffed and I finished the meal anyway.  Then I brought about half of it back up---and I did it again for dinner!  I went to have Mexican, became overfull and then brought about half back up.

So yay for me when I resisted temptation at our spiritual center on Sunday and followed my eating plan.  Then I slept almost all day Monday and at six o'clock, I angrily ate a big bowl of Oatmeal Squares for dinner!

To add insult to injury, when I weighed myself on Sunday, I had only lost 3 pounds.  I haven't been THAT bad this past two weeks!

I leave for Houston, TX for two weeks this Friday.  Because of this, I want to ask my doctor on Wednesday if I can start over when I come back from Houston.  My guess is he will say no so I am trying to prepare myself accordingly.  I am, however, worried to see the results for these past two weeks.

I am feeling a bit dejected.  Angry with myself.  Ashamed.  Frustrated.

Wish me luck for weigh-in on Wednesday!

It's My Party and I'll....

Eat if I Want To!!!  :-)

My birthday was this past Saturday.  I had a wonderful time at Safari's Animal Sanctuary in Broken Arrow, Ok. By the time we were finished, we were all starving!!  So my dear friends, Jessica and Adam took my husband and I out to eat at El Tequila.  YUM!  And after all, it WAS my birthday!  So I ordered what I wanted, which included 3 corn tortillas and lots of cheese.  This was not a planned meal, but I was cool with it.

Later that night, my hubby took me to Marble Slab Creamery.  YUMMMM-MEEEEE!  :-)

My original plan for my birthday was to have a DQ MiniCake on Saturday and then on Sunday while at a BBQ with my Book Club, I was going to eat whatever I wanted.  Well, I still chose to eat whatever I wanted at the BBQ.  I ate:

• Pasta Salad
• Potato Salad
• Brownies
• Baked Beans
• Pita Chips
• Hot Dogs

You know what?  I didn't really enjoy any of it.  Can you believe that?!  I can't!  I absolutely enjoyed the Mexican and the ice cream the day before, but none of the other stuff on Sunday was delicious.  A few hours after the BBQ, I started belching (this is something I've been dealing with off and on for over a year now).  I belched the rest of the day until I finally went to bed around midnight--not so fun!

That night I looked at Suresh and said, "I am actually happy to be getting back to my eating plan tomorrow."  

WHAT?!

Who am I and what have I done with the real ME?!

Actually, I think I like this new me.  Because today, after all those carbs....I am TIRED!

I have never wanted to hear it when I was told that I was probably gluten sensitive and/or intolerant.  Yet I believe it is likely the truth.  At least now I know.  I can't deny it anymore.

But I am eating differently and I am okay with that. So I can be okay with this too.

Love and Light to All.

Results (What I Learned About Scales)

Do you see this beautiful scale?  It's nice and thin (like I want to be!) and sleekly black too (oooo, sexy!).  It's also fancy-schmancy because it does more than your average scale.  It provides the following:

1. Body Weight
2. Body Mass Index
3. The percentage of your body that is water
4. The percentage of your body that is muscle
5. The percentage of your body that is bone

And it does even more, but that's the important stuff.  That's why I paid $70 for this beautiful, know-it-all scale.  (Now if only is praised me when I released some weight!)

Today I learned something important:  THIS SCALE IS A PIECE OF JUNK!!!  

When I started my eating plan 14 days ago, I weighed in and was pleased that their scale actually had me weighing in five pounds lighter than mine at home.  Ye-haw!!!  I certainly wasn't going to question a good thing, you know?

When I weighed myself on Sunday at home (my usual weigh-in day), I was so ecstatic to see that in 10 days I had lost 9 pounds.  So I was walking into the doctor's office feeling pretty fine.  I figured I would see a 10-12 pound release and maybe even 14 if I was lucky.

I stepped on the scale with pride and confidence.

And it said I lost FIVE pounds.

WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?  NO FREAKIN' WAY!!!!!!!!

I wanted to cry.  I wanted to (briefly) give up.  I thought I had been doing so well.  I didn't understand.  Good thing I was in the doctor's office because I was ready to go down some big-time chocolate.

Then the doctor came in and enlightened me.  Here is the breakdown:

I had a release of 5 pounds with a gain of 6 pounds of muscle, resulting in a net loss of 11 pounds (2.5% of my body fat).  Now THAT is even more exciting than losing 11 pounds straight, is it not? Yeah, baby!

I was shocked (yes, SHOCKED) at the gain of muscle because I had only been to Curves two times in the 14 days of this eating plan.  I told Doc this and he said, "But you are eating quality protein."  Well!  I knew protein was important but I had NO IDEA it could do THAT!!!!!

So the morals of this story are:

1) Your fancy scale (and mine) that does everything but sing and dance is still likely crap.

2) Protein is so much more important than I ever knew.

Til next time!

Temptation and Habit Strikes Back!

So I've just experienced my first Holiday while on this eating plan.  On July 3rd, we were part of a group of 6 families who got together to see the fireworks in Broken Arrow.  We met at 71st and Elm and walked to Fiesta Mambo.  For the first time since I started this plan, I found myself seriously considering getting what I wanted instead of what I "should."  I was seriously worried I was going to cave.

I am happy to report that while I didn't get the healthiest thing on the menu, I did stay within my plan for the most part with a taco salad.  I did not eat the shell  and had no dressing.  The only thing I probably shouldn't have had was the sour cream and the little bit of cheese they used.  So yay me!

Just after I ordered though, it occurred to me with great shock that I had eaten a few (probably 5 or less) tortilla chips with salsa!  Woa!  They were there in front of me.  It's just what you do at Mexican restaurants.  Luckily, I've never been big on the tortilla chips and salsa so I truly only had maybe five small ones.  Yet I couldn't believe that they simply slipped right passed my radar!  I never thought of it.  That was an EYE OPENER for sure.  Habit can win at any time if we aren't aware.  Now I know.

Later that evening, just before the fireworks, we walked over to Sonic for ice cream.  Before we ever went, I was debating....do I cheat or don't I?  Technically, I am allowed one cheat day a week.  Someone mentioned I should be able to have fun and a small cheat won't be a terrible thing.  So I thought, "Yeah.  Okay, I will cheat with a small sundae."  But it just didn't feel right.  So I said no.

Not only did I not eat ice cream, but I ended up walking over to Sonic with them anyway and STILL not ordering anything!!  I am so proud of myself!  :-)


I have always believed that when the time is right, things will flow in ways you hadn't expected.  And that is how I know this is the right time for the weight release.  One of my biggest issues has always been eating out. I love to eat out.  My husband does not.  So when I get the chance, I am going to enjoy it thoroughly.  And it's difficult for me to spend money on food if it's not even what I really want.  However, in the past 12 days, I have now eaten out four times--2 cookouts and 2 restaurants.  And I have done quite well with my choices AND I have enjoyed my choices.

WOOHOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I intend to keep it up!

The Bucket List in Reverse

Just before I started to "recover" from Lyme Disease, I had begun to believe that I would not lead a quality life and all my dreams were dead.

Now, I've found myself thinking about the things I will do when I am "thinner and healthier."  This is NOT a list to be completed before I die though.  This is a list TO DO while I am ALIVE, HEALTHY and VIBRANT!

• Go Zip-Lining
• Try Rock Climbing
• Go Sky-Diving
• Take Many Horseback Rides
• Learn to Dance
• Take the Test for a Motorcycle License
• Go Camping and Hiking (again)
• Travel to India
• (Maybe) Get Pregnant

How exciting this is!  I have so much to look forward to.  My life is just beginning!  The possibilities are endless.  I must remember these things when the goin' gets tough.

What about you?  What things help you through the rough spots when you are working towards a goal?

Anything else you think I should add to my list? 

Meltdown

Last night I lost it.  Completely.  For a few brief seconds (felt like MUCH longer), I was out-of-control.  The good news is that, 1) I didn't lose it with food and 2) I blew off some steam.

But why does it have to come to this?

Yes, I am under a lot of stress and have been for some time.  But who isn't?

Thank GOD for Suresh.  As I was getting ready to leave the house and go--who knows?--Suresh, stopped me. And he was smart--he said I could go wherever I wanted if I just came back in the bedroom for a minute.  Then he gently sat me down, put his arms around me.  And I cried.  Really cried.  Ugly-face, loud sobs, heaving-for-breath cried.  

I am so blessed.  In so many ways.  So why do I feel like nothing is right?  Why does the presence of my mother-in-law in our home turn me into an irrational, possessive, angry maniac?  Why can't I just pray that things get better at Suresh's work rather than worry we are doomed for him to work 17-hour days the rest of our lives?  Why did I expect to FEEL different after one week on the eating plan?  Why can't I learn patience and know that I will reach my goal of becoming a brilliantly effective life coach in perfect time?  Why do I feel so UNsupported here?  My friends and "family" in Houston are not that far away.  We all have phones, Internet.  And I've met some great people here! So many good things are happening here in Ok--why do I just want to go home (Houston)?  Where is this deep unhappiness coming from?  And does this make me unlikely to be a good coach?

I read somewhere recently that "Why" is not the question.  The question is, "What are you going to do about it?"  I guess if I knew that answer, I wouldn't be asking why! Yet the truth is, I know the answer.  At least some of it.

I am here to heal.  To grow.  To round out the edges of who I am.  To learn to use my intuition regularly rather than only when it drops a 2x4 on my head.  To blossom into the magnificent human being I am before I begin training for my dream career.  

All these things contribute to quality of life.  All these things will make me a better person, a better coach.  And my job is to accept, to surrender to now.  To enjoy the journey.

*****************************

I wonder if the last week of the eating plan helped bring everything to the surface.  You see, I never realized how much my life revolved around food.  Nor did I realize the habits I had cultivated.

When you are eating the way I am eating now, you don't have to think much about food.  You don't have to think about what to eat, where to eat.  Those coupons that come in the mail are useless.  That great Groupon deal for $30 worth of Italian (my fav!) for only $15--no need.  Suresh recently won a $25 gift card to Pizza Hut.  Oh well.  We don't need it.  

Do you see the lack of fun here?  Or is it just me?

Then there are all the things that you see and smell when you are out of the house.  I went out of the house yesterday to get that B-Complex shot (it is helping, woohoo!) and then to go to a class at my Spiritual Center.  I realized I had created the habit of 1) eating out for lunch and 2) stopping at Walgreens for a candy bar and a Coke Zero.

Now I passed a Walgreens and wanted to go inside!  It was sad that I couldn't.  It wasn't even the candy bar or the Coke Zero (though I do miss you, my friend)--it was simply the loss of a habit.  I tended to spend as much time out of the house as possible because my mother-in-law is living with us and so it gave me a reason to get lunch somewhere other than home.  So as I am driving to the doctor's, I'm scoping out where I may want to eat.  But oh, yeah.  I'm not going to eat out.  Again, not really missing the food.  Just the act of it.  Weird.

And the smells!  My mother-in-laws cooking smells delicious suddenly.  I never noticed the smells from the restaurants before either.  We are driving with the windows down, enjoying the night air--until we pass a Cheddar's and I am feeling sad that I can't go eat there.

Last night, we stopped at a friend's house after our class to pick up Mom.  Suresh is like, "Let's see what's for dinner!"  The friend is also Indian and cooks very well.  Suresh was excited.  I was sad.  I can't eat his food anymore.  We sometimes go over to his house on Fridays to have dinner and watch a movie.  I'm not sure I want to go if I can't have dinner too.  

Am I crazy?  No.  I have to find new habits.  It's time to find something more substantial than food to give me Joy.  This is going to be an interesting, enlightening and growth-filled 12 weeks!

Thanks for hanging in with this long post.  Have a beautiful, safe, grateful Fourth of July!