Meltdown

Last night I lost it.  Completely.  For a few brief seconds (felt like MUCH longer), I was out-of-control.  The good news is that, 1) I didn't lose it with food and 2) I blew off some steam.

But why does it have to come to this?

Yes, I am under a lot of stress and have been for some time.  But who isn't?

Thank GOD for Suresh.  As I was getting ready to leave the house and go--who knows?--Suresh, stopped me. And he was smart--he said I could go wherever I wanted if I just came back in the bedroom for a minute.  Then he gently sat me down, put his arms around me.  And I cried.  Really cried.  Ugly-face, loud sobs, heaving-for-breath cried.  

I am so blessed.  In so many ways.  So why do I feel like nothing is right?  Why does the presence of my mother-in-law in our home turn me into an irrational, possessive, angry maniac?  Why can't I just pray that things get better at Suresh's work rather than worry we are doomed for him to work 17-hour days the rest of our lives?  Why did I expect to FEEL different after one week on the eating plan?  Why can't I learn patience and know that I will reach my goal of becoming a brilliantly effective life coach in perfect time?  Why do I feel so UNsupported here?  My friends and "family" in Houston are not that far away.  We all have phones, Internet.  And I've met some great people here! So many good things are happening here in Ok--why do I just want to go home (Houston)?  Where is this deep unhappiness coming from?  And does this make me unlikely to be a good coach?

I read somewhere recently that "Why" is not the question.  The question is, "What are you going to do about it?"  I guess if I knew that answer, I wouldn't be asking why! Yet the truth is, I know the answer.  At least some of it.

I am here to heal.  To grow.  To round out the edges of who I am.  To learn to use my intuition regularly rather than only when it drops a 2x4 on my head.  To blossom into the magnificent human being I am before I begin training for my dream career.  

All these things contribute to quality of life.  All these things will make me a better person, a better coach.  And my job is to accept, to surrender to now.  To enjoy the journey.

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I wonder if the last week of the eating plan helped bring everything to the surface.  You see, I never realized how much my life revolved around food.  Nor did I realize the habits I had cultivated.

When you are eating the way I am eating now, you don't have to think much about food.  You don't have to think about what to eat, where to eat.  Those coupons that come in the mail are useless.  That great Groupon deal for $30 worth of Italian (my fav!) for only $15--no need.  Suresh recently won a $25 gift card to Pizza Hut.  Oh well.  We don't need it.  

Do you see the lack of fun here?  Or is it just me?

Then there are all the things that you see and smell when you are out of the house.  I went out of the house yesterday to get that B-Complex shot (it is helping, woohoo!) and then to go to a class at my Spiritual Center.  I realized I had created the habit of 1) eating out for lunch and 2) stopping at Walgreens for a candy bar and a Coke Zero.

Now I passed a Walgreens and wanted to go inside!  It was sad that I couldn't.  It wasn't even the candy bar or the Coke Zero (though I do miss you, my friend)--it was simply the loss of a habit.  I tended to spend as much time out of the house as possible because my mother-in-law is living with us and so it gave me a reason to get lunch somewhere other than home.  So as I am driving to the doctor's, I'm scoping out where I may want to eat.  But oh, yeah.  I'm not going to eat out.  Again, not really missing the food.  Just the act of it.  Weird.

And the smells!  My mother-in-laws cooking smells delicious suddenly.  I never noticed the smells from the restaurants before either.  We are driving with the windows down, enjoying the night air--until we pass a Cheddar's and I am feeling sad that I can't go eat there.

Last night, we stopped at a friend's house after our class to pick up Mom.  Suresh is like, "Let's see what's for dinner!"  The friend is also Indian and cooks very well.  Suresh was excited.  I was sad.  I can't eat his food anymore.  We sometimes go over to his house on Fridays to have dinner and watch a movie.  I'm not sure I want to go if I can't have dinner too.  

Am I crazy?  No.  I have to find new habits.  It's time to find something more substantial than food to give me Joy.  This is going to be an interesting, enlightening and growth-filled 12 weeks!

Thanks for hanging in with this long post.  Have a beautiful, safe, grateful Fourth of July!