Re-commitment and Self-Defense (sensitive issues discussed)

I walked out of the doctor's office on August 9th as though I had just dodged a bullet.  Three weeks not exercising, five days eating whatever I wanted and then a week half-on/half-off of the plan and I had NO GAIN.  Whew!

After that, I did well for a few days.  But I was obsessed with macaroni and cheese from The Cheesecake Factory and finally went to eat there.  Of course, not nearly as good as when I had eaten it in Houston.

And the thing that derailed me like nothing else:  Self-Defense Class.  I remembered that I had signed up to take RAD (Rape Aggression Defense) for Women, a women's self-defense class focusing on fighting off abductions and rape.  Suddenly, I couldn't find enough junk food and sugar to eat.  I even made myself sick.

Now let me digress for a moment and write of happy things.  Since I have started with the eating plan, even my "pig-outs" are nothing like what they used to be.  I cannot eat as much as I used to without becoming sick.  When I "fall off the plan," I still eat less than I did.  This is good news!  This is a positive change!  Yay me!

Now back to the class.  Why would the thought of me taking such a class cause me to suddenly seek out high-calorie, sugary junk foods?  Because my size is my protection.

I had actually planned to take the RAD class earlier but it fell when I was moving to OK.  So I've known for about 8 months now that I was honestly afraid to be thinner.  You see, if I make myself unappealing, I won't be attacked.  No one will come-on to me.  No MAN will bother me.

The truth is that rape can and does happen to full-figured women every day.  My own reality is that I have always been overweight and I have been raped.  I have experienced multiple sexual traumas in my life, starting at age 7 and continuing to age 17.  Once I was married, I thought I was "safe."  Then I was violated again.

How could it happen again?  As an adult?  Because as soon as I realized what was about to happen, I disassociated.   My mind went somewhere else to protect me.  The guilt I carry over this is tremendous.

I am tired.  I am angry.  I want my life back.  So I have chosen to take this self-defense class.

The Husband and Work

Probably the most frustrating thing regarding the issue with my mother-in-law is that I believe if my husband were actually home more, I could probably deal better with having the mother-in-law around.

You see, I believe my husband truly has a work addiction.  I feel as though he has abandoned me.  I know he loves me dearly.  I know he is doing what he feels must be done to provide for his family.  And yet he is rarely home.  

Where do you draw the line?  When does it become a problem?  

I am not so sure my husband believes there is an addiction aspect.  He still believes he can control it.  Anyone who knows and loves a "holic" also knows that's a HUGE sign right there.  

When your husband works 17-hour days and doesn't even call to let you know he will be late, how would you feel?  What about when he says he is wrapping up and will be home in 20 minutes and he walks through the door four hours later?  Or he regularly goes in on his days off and works all day long.

This is not about bashing my husband.  I love him more than anything.  And I want him back in my life.  

Please pray we make it through this.

So What's the Deal with the Mother-in-Law Anyway?

Okay.  Here's the situation:

My husband is Asian Indian.  I am American.  What I never realized until recently is that my husband was already westernized when I met him.  The cultural traits that remained were the ones that I valued.  So it all worked out!

When we married, we had some issues to deal with, sure.  They were mainly funny though--nothing serious.  Now, his mother is living with us.  And the intention is for her to come back (she has to go home temporarily) and stay with us permanently.

My mother-in-law is a lovely and extremely loving woman.  She's had a tough life and deserves to spend the rest of her days in comfort and happiness.  Culturally, it is expected that she live with the oldest (or in this case, only) son.  And by the way, she loves me very much.

So why do I have such a problem with her?  Truth be told, it's not her I have a problem with.  It's her culture. You see, it's easy (for me, at least) to respect someone's culture when you are not living with them.  It becomes immeasurably more difficult when you are sharing the same space.

Indians are much more communal than Americans are.  I always thought I was pretty laid-back about my personal space and about my possessions.  And if I am dealing with Americans, I truly am tolerant and easy-going.  Yet when you are living with someone who comes from a more communal background, all bets are off.  In my opinion, she is nosy.  Really, everything is everyone's so it's no big deal.  If she sees something she wants to read that is mine, she simply takes it.  If I want it back, I am to just take it back from her.  Well, to me that's rude.  If I bring back papers from my doctor and leave them on the table for five minutes, she is reading them!

She appears to expect a deeper level of intimacy as well.  As a decently enlightened being, she made the CHOICE to love me because I am her son's wife.  I am not ready for that type of intimacy with someone I do not know and have trouble knowing because she doesn't speak much English (she is taking lessons though!).

Much has been ironed out in the few months since she has been here.  Aside from the taking and looking at things that are mine, my biggest issue is that I feel like I have no privacy.  My house has been invaded.  My husband, having grown up in the Eastern culture thinks I am being silly.

And so here is the stalemate.  Here is where I am seriously having trouble finding a win-win solution.  I stay in my bedroom because she is not allowed in there.  It is the only place I feel that is mine.  The only place that it is safe for me to be ME.  And I don't like this--I feel like I am in prison sometimes.  I feel violated sometimes.  Granted, that is likely an over-reaction that is coming up from my past.  Regardless, it is how I feel.  And my husband thinks I am being silly.

For those of you who are thinking I should have known what I was getting into when I married an Easterner, let me address that.  His mother was in another country.  It never occurred to me that she would come live with us!  I thought I was safe in that.  And he certainly never mentioned it.  However, none of that matters now anyway.

What matters is that she wants to live here.  He wants her to live here.  And I feel as though I can't breath.  Part of me wishes she were the Wicked Witch of MILs.  Then it would be easy for me to yell at her and say there is no way she is living in MY house.  But in reality she is a kind, gentle soul who just wants to live with her son.

Still no answers to this one....

Food "On Vacation"

Close your eyes.

Now visualize (wait...if you close your eyes, you can't read this, huh?  Okay...then, keep your eyes open!)

Just think about the following scenario, if you please:

You have chosen to follow an eating plan that includes two meal replacements, three snacks and one meal.  That one meal is balanced and heavy on vegetables (which you do not particularly care for) and greens.  Now it's time for Vacation!!

You are prepared though.  You pack up all your supplements and even have a grocery list ready so you can immediately go to the store for the items you need.

But then you find yourself at the grocery store and it's an experience you haven't had before.  This store has so many yummy foods ready and available to eat.  It's difficult to make the right decision, but you do.  And then you find yourself dining with someone daily who is eating Gourmet Macaroni and Cheese and Birthday cake.

How do you feel?  Are you hungry?  Do you still look at your broccoli with love?  (Did you EVER look at your broccoli with love?)

I will tell you what I did.  I said to my friend, "I don't want to eat the F-ing broccoli."

And get this!  My friend says, "So don't eat the F-ing broccoli."  Well.  What a concept.  So I didn't!  I had mac-n-cheese.  And it was divine!

Overall though, while staying with my one friend for the first five days, I stayed pretty decently on plan. Next, enter chaos.  I had two days where I was here, there and everywhere in terms of living arrangements and daily plans.

Bye-bye eating plan.

Hello the I-may-as-well-enjoy-myself-plan!

Because I stayed an extra day to rest before coming back home, my weigh-in appointment was postponed by a week.  Perfect!  I will follow the plan so strictly that I will undo any damage I did in the five days I ate like a pig.

Humph!  The first two days, I was a complete "female dog."  I wanted "real" food.  I wanted the headache to go away.  I wanted to be left ALONE!  And so I did not follow the plan as well as I hoped.

Come time for weigh-in and I was SHOCKED.  No loss (big surprise there).  No gain.  That's right.  No gain!  WOW!!!  Wooohooo!!!!  Now I am revved up and ready to go full-steam ahead.  I have just re-committed!

Funny how long things like "Re-commitment" last.  See ya next time for the rest!

I'm baaaack!

Boy oh boy!  It takes some work to keep current on things, doesn't it?

I went to Houston for two weeks and then came home and had a bit of a awakening, so to speak.  Just after dealing with all that, it was time to begin the project that I started yesterday (details to follow!!) and so here I am at almost 10pm Tuesday, August 16th just now getting back to my blog.

I apologize.

Soooooo much has happened!  Houston was wonderful.  It was absolutely lovely to see my dear friends and I surely did need the pick-me-up.  I had a (Science of Mind) Practitioner Session scheduled for a few days before I left and I was hoping for a quantum leap.  The Practitioner told me that while I had not leapt yet, I was walking up to the precipice.  And the session was quite helpful!

I sat down and talked to the part of me that was making the most noise and said, "What's up?"  The dialogue proved highly enlightening and "Una" and I still chat regularly.

I took an extra day to rest since my time in Houston had been non-stop movement, then I brought myself home.  And in less than a week, completely flipped out.

You see, once I had been away from the stress of no husband (due to intense work hours) and living with a mother-in-law from a totally different culture---and went to where I was completely loved and supported---coming back to the unloving and unsupportive environment was like removing my ability to breathe.

And so I choked.  A lot.  My prayer partner (thank you!) helped me to recognize that I simply could not continue with things the way they currently were.  So I had some major decisions to make.

I have since had a couple serious talks with my husband regarding his work hours and the current living arrangement.  Stay tuned to see if there are actually any changes that come out of these talks.  At this point, I feel better now that my needs have been expressed and because I have provided a timeline and expectations.

Doing this was one of the most difficult things I have had to do.  Now I pray that all will work out for everyone's greatest good.

So how  was my eating?  Check out the next post!

The Blog Post With No Title

Thoughts become things.  Words have power.  And so I could not decide on a title for this particular post because everything that came to mind was not very positive.

It's been awhile since I posted.  This is because I have been in a dark space emotionally.  And this dark space has pulled me down physically as well.

Things have been quite stressful for me lately with, among other things, my husband working way too many hours, my mother-in-law living with us.  And especially with the news that she wants to stay here permanently (when all I have been doing is counting down the days until she goes home!).  It appears that my mother-in-law's decision to live here was the proverbial straw that broke the (Kelly) camel's back.  I have been devastated.  Hopeless.  And recently began sinking into depression.

Despite the many stresses I have been dealing with, I have been so proud of the fact that I have not turned to food for solace.  That all ended on Friday, July 15th.  I was so frustrated and angry that I ate 1/2 a DiGorno Pizza for dinner.  And I didn't even enjoy it!

Then came Saturday.  I ran out of the house and went to Jack In The Box.  Halfway through my meal, I was stuffed and I finished the meal anyway.  Then I brought about half of it back up---and I did it again for dinner!  I went to have Mexican, became overfull and then brought about half back up.

So yay for me when I resisted temptation at our spiritual center on Sunday and followed my eating plan.  Then I slept almost all day Monday and at six o'clock, I angrily ate a big bowl of Oatmeal Squares for dinner!

To add insult to injury, when I weighed myself on Sunday, I had only lost 3 pounds.  I haven't been THAT bad this past two weeks!

I leave for Houston, TX for two weeks this Friday.  Because of this, I want to ask my doctor on Wednesday if I can start over when I come back from Houston.  My guess is he will say no so I am trying to prepare myself accordingly.  I am, however, worried to see the results for these past two weeks.

I am feeling a bit dejected.  Angry with myself.  Ashamed.  Frustrated.

Wish me luck for weigh-in on Wednesday!

It's My Party and I'll....

Eat if I Want To!!!  :-)

My birthday was this past Saturday.  I had a wonderful time at Safari's Animal Sanctuary in Broken Arrow, Ok. By the time we were finished, we were all starving!!  So my dear friends, Jessica and Adam took my husband and I out to eat at El Tequila.  YUM!  And after all, it WAS my birthday!  So I ordered what I wanted, which included 3 corn tortillas and lots of cheese.  This was not a planned meal, but I was cool with it.

Later that night, my hubby took me to Marble Slab Creamery.  YUMMMM-MEEEEE!  :-)

My original plan for my birthday was to have a DQ MiniCake on Saturday and then on Sunday while at a BBQ with my Book Club, I was going to eat whatever I wanted.  Well, I still chose to eat whatever I wanted at the BBQ.  I ate:

• Pasta Salad
• Potato Salad
• Brownies
• Baked Beans
• Pita Chips
• Hot Dogs

You know what?  I didn't really enjoy any of it.  Can you believe that?!  I can't!  I absolutely enjoyed the Mexican and the ice cream the day before, but none of the other stuff on Sunday was delicious.  A few hours after the BBQ, I started belching (this is something I've been dealing with off and on for over a year now).  I belched the rest of the day until I finally went to bed around midnight--not so fun!

That night I looked at Suresh and said, "I am actually happy to be getting back to my eating plan tomorrow."  

WHAT?!

Who am I and what have I done with the real ME?!

Actually, I think I like this new me.  Because today, after all those carbs....I am TIRED!

I have never wanted to hear it when I was told that I was probably gluten sensitive and/or intolerant.  Yet I believe it is likely the truth.  At least now I know.  I can't deny it anymore.

But I am eating differently and I am okay with that. So I can be okay with this too.

Love and Light to All.