I walked out of the doctor's office on August 9th as though I had just dodged a bullet. Three weeks not exercising, five days eating whatever I wanted and then a week half-on/half-off of the plan and I had NO GAIN. Whew!
After that, I did well for a few days. But I was obsessed with macaroni and cheese from The Cheesecake Factory and finally went to eat there. Of course, not nearly as good as when I had eaten it in Houston.
And the thing that derailed me like nothing else: Self-Defense Class. I remembered that I had signed up to take RAD (Rape Aggression Defense) for Women, a women's self-defense class focusing on fighting off abductions and rape. Suddenly, I couldn't find enough junk food and sugar to eat. I even made myself sick.
Now let me digress for a moment and write of happy things. Since I have started with the eating plan, even my "pig-outs" are nothing like what they used to be. I cannot eat as much as I used to without becoming sick. When I "fall off the plan," I still eat less than I did. This is good news! This is a positive change! Yay me!
Now back to the class. Why would the thought of me taking such a class cause me to suddenly seek out high-calorie, sugary junk foods? Because my size is my protection.
I had actually planned to take the RAD class earlier but it fell when I was moving to OK. So I've known for about 8 months now that I was honestly afraid to be thinner. You see, if I make myself unappealing, I won't be attacked. No one will come-on to me. No MAN will bother me.
The truth is that rape can and does happen to full-figured women every day. My own reality is that I have always been overweight and I have been raped. I have experienced multiple sexual traumas in my life, starting at age 7 and continuing to age 17. Once I was married, I thought I was "safe." Then I was violated again.
How could it happen again? As an adult? Because as soon as I realized what was about to happen, I disassociated. My mind went somewhere else to protect me. The guilt I carry over this is tremendous.
I am tired. I am angry. I want my life back. So I have chosen to take this self-defense class.
After that, I did well for a few days. But I was obsessed with macaroni and cheese from The Cheesecake Factory and finally went to eat there. Of course, not nearly as good as when I had eaten it in Houston.
And the thing that derailed me like nothing else: Self-Defense Class. I remembered that I had signed up to take RAD (Rape Aggression Defense) for Women, a women's self-defense class focusing on fighting off abductions and rape. Suddenly, I couldn't find enough junk food and sugar to eat. I even made myself sick.
Now let me digress for a moment and write of happy things. Since I have started with the eating plan, even my "pig-outs" are nothing like what they used to be. I cannot eat as much as I used to without becoming sick. When I "fall off the plan," I still eat less than I did. This is good news! This is a positive change! Yay me!
Now back to the class. Why would the thought of me taking such a class cause me to suddenly seek out high-calorie, sugary junk foods? Because my size is my protection.
I had actually planned to take the RAD class earlier but it fell when I was moving to OK. So I've known for about 8 months now that I was honestly afraid to be thinner. You see, if I make myself unappealing, I won't be attacked. No one will come-on to me. No MAN will bother me.
The truth is that rape can and does happen to full-figured women every day. My own reality is that I have always been overweight and I have been raped. I have experienced multiple sexual traumas in my life, starting at age 7 and continuing to age 17. Once I was married, I thought I was "safe." Then I was violated again.
How could it happen again? As an adult? Because as soon as I realized what was about to happen, I disassociated. My mind went somewhere else to protect me. The guilt I carry over this is tremendous.
I am tired. I am angry. I want my life back. So I have chosen to take this self-defense class.
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