Okay. Here's the situation:
My husband is Asian Indian. I am American. What I never realized until recently is that my husband was already westernized when I met him. The cultural traits that remained were the ones that I valued. So it all worked out!
When we married, we had some issues to deal with, sure. They were mainly funny though--nothing serious. Now, his mother is living with us. And the intention is for her to come back (she has to go home temporarily) and stay with us permanently.
My mother-in-law is a lovely and extremely loving woman. She's had a tough life and deserves to spend the rest of her days in comfort and happiness. Culturally, it is expected that she live with the oldest (or in this case, only) son. And by the way, she loves me very much.
So why do I have such a problem with her? Truth be told, it's not her I have a problem with. It's her culture. You see, it's easy (for me, at least) to respect someone's culture when you are not living with them. It becomes immeasurably more difficult when you are sharing the same space.
Indians are much more communal than Americans are. I always thought I was pretty laid-back about my personal space and about my possessions. And if I am dealing with Americans, I truly am tolerant and easy-going. Yet when you are living with someone who comes from a more communal background, all bets are off. In my opinion, she is nosy. Really, everything is everyone's so it's no big deal. If she sees something she wants to read that is mine, she simply takes it. If I want it back, I am to just take it back from her. Well, to me that's rude. If I bring back papers from my doctor and leave them on the table for five minutes, she is reading them!
She appears to expect a deeper level of intimacy as well. As a decently enlightened being, she made the CHOICE to love me because I am her son's wife. I am not ready for that type of intimacy with someone I do not know and have trouble knowing because she doesn't speak much English (she is taking lessons though!).
Much has been ironed out in the few months since she has been here. Aside from the taking and looking at things that are mine, my biggest issue is that I feel like I have no privacy. My house has been invaded. My husband, having grown up in the Eastern culture thinks I am being silly.
And so here is the stalemate. Here is where I am seriously having trouble finding a win-win solution. I stay in my bedroom because she is not allowed in there. It is the only place I feel that is mine. The only place that it is safe for me to be ME. And I don't like this--I feel like I am in prison sometimes. I feel violated sometimes. Granted, that is likely an over-reaction that is coming up from my past. Regardless, it is how I feel. And my husband thinks I am being silly.
For those of you who are thinking I should have known what I was getting into when I married an Easterner, let me address that. His mother was in another country. It never occurred to me that she would come live with us! I thought I was safe in that. And he certainly never mentioned it. However, none of that matters now anyway.
What matters is that she wants to live here. He wants her to live here. And I feel as though I can't breath. Part of me wishes she were the Wicked Witch of MILs. Then it would be easy for me to yell at her and say there is no way she is living in MY house. But in reality she is a kind, gentle soul who just wants to live with her son.
Still no answers to this one....
My husband is Asian Indian. I am American. What I never realized until recently is that my husband was already westernized when I met him. The cultural traits that remained were the ones that I valued. So it all worked out!
When we married, we had some issues to deal with, sure. They were mainly funny though--nothing serious. Now, his mother is living with us. And the intention is for her to come back (she has to go home temporarily) and stay with us permanently.
My mother-in-law is a lovely and extremely loving woman. She's had a tough life and deserves to spend the rest of her days in comfort and happiness. Culturally, it is expected that she live with the oldest (or in this case, only) son. And by the way, she loves me very much.
So why do I have such a problem with her? Truth be told, it's not her I have a problem with. It's her culture. You see, it's easy (for me, at least) to respect someone's culture when you are not living with them. It becomes immeasurably more difficult when you are sharing the same space.
Indians are much more communal than Americans are. I always thought I was pretty laid-back about my personal space and about my possessions. And if I am dealing with Americans, I truly am tolerant and easy-going. Yet when you are living with someone who comes from a more communal background, all bets are off. In my opinion, she is nosy. Really, everything is everyone's so it's no big deal. If she sees something she wants to read that is mine, she simply takes it. If I want it back, I am to just take it back from her. Well, to me that's rude. If I bring back papers from my doctor and leave them on the table for five minutes, she is reading them!
She appears to expect a deeper level of intimacy as well. As a decently enlightened being, she made the CHOICE to love me because I am her son's wife. I am not ready for that type of intimacy with someone I do not know and have trouble knowing because she doesn't speak much English (she is taking lessons though!).
Much has been ironed out in the few months since she has been here. Aside from the taking and looking at things that are mine, my biggest issue is that I feel like I have no privacy. My house has been invaded. My husband, having grown up in the Eastern culture thinks I am being silly.
And so here is the stalemate. Here is where I am seriously having trouble finding a win-win solution. I stay in my bedroom because she is not allowed in there. It is the only place I feel that is mine. The only place that it is safe for me to be ME. And I don't like this--I feel like I am in prison sometimes. I feel violated sometimes. Granted, that is likely an over-reaction that is coming up from my past. Regardless, it is how I feel. And my husband thinks I am being silly.
For those of you who are thinking I should have known what I was getting into when I married an Easterner, let me address that. His mother was in another country. It never occurred to me that she would come live with us! I thought I was safe in that. And he certainly never mentioned it. However, none of that matters now anyway.
What matters is that she wants to live here. He wants her to live here. And I feel as though I can't breath. Part of me wishes she were the Wicked Witch of MILs. Then it would be easy for me to yell at her and say there is no way she is living in MY house. But in reality she is a kind, gentle soul who just wants to live with her son.
Still no answers to this one....
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